azaphaer

Had a pretty interesting dream recently. Nothing Otherkin related per say, but figured it would be worth writing down.

It was a pretty strong dream, even having been 2 nights ago the details are still crisp enough to recall. I don't have dreams like this very often. Nothing full lucid, but partially I was aware what was going on wasn't exactly as it seemed.

I'm looking through the eyes of wolf/dog. No idea which, but definitely a canine. I say "looking through the eyes" very literally because the canine isn't me, and I'm aware of this during the dream. I'm not controlling the actions or even communicating with the dog, but I seem to be part of it in a way?

The dog in the dream had a very dark coat with faint silver flecking throughout its fur. This is similar enough to what the dog looked like:

In the dream we are going through wherever this world/place is outside in a hilly wooded area. The ground is very uneven under our paws and sloped. The dog seems to know what its doing and is looking for something. We come across and abandoned looking house in the middle of the woods. Its not in great shape, disheveled and probably been empty for a long time.

The house looks something like this:

We scrounge around the house for a bit. The dog is deliberate in the way it scans the room with its nose pointed to the ground. I can't smell anything that its doing, only see through the eyes. The vision is very dull and not full spectrum. Everything is extremely faded and washed out looking.

The vision is similar to how images depict dog vs human sight:
[img]https://www.dalmatiandiy.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/Human-Vision-vs.-Dog-Vision-Comparison-Example-for-Typical-Colour-Contrast-Clarity-Environment.jpg[/img]

At some point in the dream we come across a knife/sword. In the dream we think of the object as a knife but it looked more like a sword. Its large and heavy, but the dog is able to pick it up in our mouth and hold it. The dream gets a little fuzzy between picking up the knife and going through the rest of this house. We left this house I'm sure, and ended up trudging back down the slope to another place.

We're not in the abandoned house anymore, this place is instead what once was a grocery or convenance type of store. The dog goes through the aisles, sniffing and checking through everything there. The shelves are still lined with abandoned goods. Dust and cobwebs cover everything. After perusing the shelves we pad across the wooden floor boards to the back of the shop, beyond the counter into what looks more like a living space. The shop was connected to wherever the keeper must have also lived.

In the back we tread past piles of abandoned paperwork, an old couch, until we come across a large demon(wolf?) It has long disproportionate legs and hunches in a way that doesn't seem natural or right.

Its difficult to describe or find images to match, but something like this:

It's body looked like the images above, but it was pure white with red eyes. The head also looked more like a wolf with a misaligned jaw. We charge the demon wolf and begin to fight it. The dog fights and slashed at it with the knife while I still continue to watch through its eyes. There comes a point where I manifest to help in the fight with magic. I'm somewhat alongside the wolf now, but not physically or visibly. With my help we are then able to destroy the demon with a blast of some type of energy I throw at it while the dog drives in its knife.

The dream ends there. I wake up and its still fresh in my mind now. Meaningless dream, something more? I don't know.

-Azaphaer

We've been in the new house for nearly 6 months now and figured I would share the hoard in its new home. :>
Some new pieces have been added as well, including a haul from a rock seller we traded some designs for!

Just a simple sketch of my profile. One of the best depictions of myself so far.

It's been quite some time since I've dreamt. Sleepless nights, stressful days, and the business of life most likely being at fault. Insomnia is nothing new to me, and something I don't think will ever truly go away, but I am thankful for the nights it gives me a break. Perhaps it only does because I become so tired that it's impossible to stay awake. My days are constant with things to do, rise at 6am and drop into bed at nearly 12am. This sleep schedule probably doesn't help.

Last night sleep did at last embrace me in its warm coziness of comfort. I closed my eyes and drifted into oblivion, only to open them again in the netherspace that dreams take place. I found myself acutely aware of that I was dreaming, which is something I hadn't felt in a long time. Upon this realization I almost immediately shifted into my dragonself and took flight. Flying is the one thing I always tend to do when I am lucid dreaming, it never gets old. The only downfall is when my being awakens back in bed, back in my human vessel, and I no longer can propel myself into the air. It creates the cruelest side effect, no matter how great the reward is to be able to feel this in a dream, it hurts when reality hits.

-Azaphaer

How time flies.. its so strange to imagine only 3 years ago I was posting about our first house, and now we've gone and moved again. Life changes ever so quickly it seems. I blink my eyes and I'm fast-forwarded somewhere else. This is not a negative thing of course, but can be so shocking even as you live through it.

- - -

I left my family and my country 5 years ago. The year 2016 held some of the worst and also most wonderful experiences of my life so far. It had begun with my family kicking me out, my father raging at discovering I was queer. I don't talk about it often, I don't like to linger on these things, but they are moments I will never forget. The awful things that were said repeat in my mind over and over causing sleepless nights and struggles throughout my days. I slept in a barn and the attic of an old cabin for a month. I was threatened by my own father with the safety and well being of my animals. I had to rehome all of them. When tried to gather my things to leave, I was threatened with him trying to stop me. I was threatened he would take my partner's life. But here we are, still here, and stronger than ever. Everything my partner and I fought for has resulted in success.

Never give up.

For so many years I lived a lie. I denied who I was because of the fear and the hatred my family spewed. Between my religious mother who told me that God made everyone perfect, that to be gay was a disease, to be trans was an illness; and my father who was/is a manipulative and aggressive bigot, I was trapped in that cycle of being forced to be who I was not. No matter how much they tried to ingrain those things in me, it did not change who I was though. What I am is not a choice. It caused me many mental health problems that I still must face today, living through that. Those are the repercussions of their actions, that is the love my family left me with. A diagnoses of C-PTSD.

That year though, I had the courage to leave everything behind. I had nothing. Just my partner and the will that we could do it together. I worked as many hours as I could to save up to get out. All hell broke loose a month before our date to leave with bus tickets to Canada.. [details redacted] I can't tell you how grateful I am that my boss from work came and got us out of there. I will never forget the wonderful people I worked with at Mountain Creek who supported us through this, and helped us get a hotel room at the resort. My partners parents came 8 hours from Canada to NJ to pick us up the next day. So much has happened since then...

This year, 5 years later, I finally became a permanent resident of Canada. This year our house flooded. New years day, the toilet broke and destroyed our kitchen and bathroom. We had to move out of the house for repairs with all of our animals. In that time we had to live with my partner's parents for 2 months. There was nowhere to go and nothing to do because of Covid restrictions. We decided to go house hunting. When I say decided, I mean my partner looked at me and said "I have a proposition" which meant he had some crazy idea.

Now this month, we've moved into our dream home. I never thought we'd have such a gorgeous house, and definitely not at 26. All the hard work, all the struggles we stuck together through this have paid off. There's still so much ahead in life, but I'm so proud of what we accomplished.

We are here, we are queer, and we are not going anywhere.

I'm proud to be who I am. I am proud to be a transgender man. I am proud to be a gay man. No one can take that from me, and no one can take that from any other LGBTQIA+ individual. Stay strong and be true to yourself. No matter what, always keep fighting.

-Azaphaer

This morning I was abruptly woken from an interesting dream by the alarm clock.. Its the first vivid dream I've had in a long while of my dragonself, so I wish I got to see where it was going. Anywho, I'm not sure how to quite explain the dream, but here goes..

The beginning of the dream is hazier in my memory and I'm not really sure what was going on. I think I was meeting up with the dragon council that I've mentioned briefly before. Its not often we meet up, and there was a lot of tension amongst the dragons there. We are all still generally solitary and keep to our own territory outside of these strange meetings. One dragon in particular really was not fond of me and clearly didn't want me there, but then again, none of us were particularly 'friendly' to one another.

The meeting ends and we all went our separate ways. I ended up taking a rest alongside a lake. Thats when I was approached by what I'm going to call a 'star unicorn'. She was much larger than I was. Tall and looming, transparent but colored like the night sky with glimmering stars throughout her mane and coat. She came to ask me for help with something? I have no idea what as its at this point I was woken up.

I keep wondering now what she was trying to ask of me.. I wish I was better able to remember and record the feelings of this dream as something felt significant. Perhaps more of this will come to dreams in the future.

As an astral dragon, I have always held a strong affinity towards the Orion Nebula. I’ve thought of it as my home for longer than I can recall; it is the place that I go to when my physical body sleeps, when my ethereal form is free. It has existed that way as my few memories have guided me to, though hardly anything else has come of it until now.

A thought dawns on me. That I have not only lived in this universe. That the age of the Orion Nebula is such a small fraction of my draconic lifespan(whatever it may be). I know that one of my past lives alone has been at least 6 million years.. And that in this dimension the nebula I call home is just barely over 3 million. It has perplexed me to discover something else about my draconity, something that I’ve thought about before but cast aside.. That I did in fact create the Orion Nebula. Or at least aided in its creation.

I think about astral dragons as a divine species. I use the term divine in a higher spiritual being sense, not like we are gods, but we are creators, and life follows in the wake of our cosmic wing beats. The Orion Nebula is my home, it is a nest. All of us astral dragons can create them, as they are where we take root to grow, to flourish, and prosper. It is our temporary home base, that sparks other wondrous things around and within it. The nebula becomes a birthplace for stars, I don’t know what that means, but perhaps these are the beginning of new astral dragons.

What I am starting to believe is each time my draconic soul comes to a different plane or universe, I create a new nest for myself to take roost in. Perhaps this nest acts as a beacon or home base for when my soul incarnates on the neighboring world to it. It is the place my higher self can reside closely and remain connected to the new vessel. When I sleep I can go there and care for my nest, my soul can recharge and bask in its energies, and I can visit with the other beings who reside there. They too may be other astral beings who use the nest as a home base while they incarnate on the lower planes. Who knows?

There’s still so much more for me to discover and figure out about myself, however this new revelation I know I am only getting closer to knowing more about what it is to be an astral dragon. For now, I look to the stars~

In a modern world I am finding new ways to take my spirituality with me on the go. A friend of mine shared their own version of a "travel altar" and it did not take me long to feel inspired to make one for myself. A quick trip to the dollar store after work and in no time I came across the perfect home for my new little treasure. The small chest was cheap and fits in the palm of my hand, couldn't ask for anything better!

As for filling it with all the things I use in my spiritual practice, I had quite a few trinkets and objects from my hoard over the years. I have the world's tiny tarot which finally gave me a great use for it, other than being small and difficult to hold in my ~~dragon claws~~ hands. My quartz crystal pendulum, which has been an essential tool for dousing. A small quartz cluster, black quartz point, celestite fragments, and opalite egg. Then I also had some snake vertebrae and a small tooth I found years and years ago(I have no idea what animal exactly, a raccoon or fox maybe).

I am very happy with the result and look forward to taking this with me when traveling. :>

An experimental piece I recently did of my dragonself. Testing out some painting and feeling the more accurate depiction of how I look. I’ve made a furaffinity account where I will be uploading my art from now on. Hoping to reopen my commissions soon.

Starting the new year right with a walk through the forest. Draconic feelings did ensue despite the winter setting ❄️

It was actually really nice to take a stroll in the outdoors, despite the winter chill. I'm generally not a fan of the season although it's certainly pretty. I did feel like myself, and if others could see, a large white dragon strode these woods today. My scales would glimmer in the light, flashing in opalescence. Maybe I would be slightly transparent and ethereal, or for a moment tangible as I walk the Earth. If I could be in my true form I often wonder how exactly others would see me.

Took some time to draw out a more accurate depiction of myself as I’ve learnt more since my last illustration 🌟

In winter my draconity yawns and wanes, giving low rumbles in awareness of the seasons change.. Its cold.. It’s dark.. It wants to sleep.

I had a strange dream last night involving dragons so I figured I might as well share here before I forget it completely. It wasn’t anything significant to my personal draconity as far as I know, especially considering that the dream was in a “cartoon” view. I think it may be important to write down in the case of it making more sense later, or if anyone finds it familiar.

The dream is from a third person view. It begins on the ledge of a cliff overlooking a green mountainous area. It is sundown, the orange light of the retreating star slowly giving way to the night. Already perched on the cliff is a snake-like species female who I think was called Hersetta. Her appearance is a red scaled serpent with fringes on the side of her head, with faint markings I could hardly make out. She is waiting for her son, who flies up shortly after. He instead happens to be a dragon species. He is well built, covered in lime green scales,and brown antler-esque horns that stretch downward and out.

The young dragon approached Hersetta with concern, telling her that he has realized he is not a Tjortek dragon but rather a Nathrak(I think these are the words he used?) The Tjortek was a noble dragon species in this world that others looked up to and the Nathrak a negative and tyrannical species who sought domination. For some reason I just know this without it being explained in the dream, the knowledge coming to me without a thought.

Facing her son, Hersetta tells him, "Yes, your father was a Narthrak dragon". She had clearly hid this information from him and looked ashamed as she told him. Shortly after telling him this, his father arrives and landed beside them. He was much larger than the younger dragon, covered in teal blue scales and dark oak colored horns. In a flash, he grabs his son by the tail, dragging him into a cave in the mountainside.

Within the cave he thrashes his son about, telling him it is the way of the Nathrak and he needs to learn. "You are weak from avoiding your heritage" he boomed, looking down on his son. Hersetta looks on from the cave entry, watching her mate try and teach her son how to fight. The dream ends there, or that is as much as I can remember.

These Narthrak dragons were both very low to the ground and stout like lizards, but also very thick and covered in almost “wood” looking horns and armor. They had really strange markings and seemed not the particular thing my brain would make up. I don’t remember much more than that, but it was really random to say the least. I might try and sketch them out later.

Introducing my very own website, Through Time and Space

A website about Otherkin and other non-human experiences, this is a collective of knowledge I’ve put together over the years. I am really proud to have put this together at last! Taking what I’ve learned in my community experience, plus resources from other credible websites, I’ve finally created a place to pool all of that, as well as my own personal writings.

I hope that it can be a helpful resource to those who need it, or give a better perspective on what it means to be Otherkin. I know many struggle with defining our experience, and I hope I've done us justice!

This is something of a theory that I have been putting together for quite some time now. It regards the higher self, the structure of life as we all know it, and how the universe has painted a picture that could very well pull this all together. Of course, this is only what I have theorized, but perhaps some of this will makes sense, or eventually will.

Lets start with atoms, the building blocks of the universe. They make up everything and take a familiar form to us. Have a look at Rutherford's atomic model. I've shared an image of it below. A nucleus at the center, orbited by electrons. Its something so simple, but is rather important.

See the distinct pattern now? There is something else that also takes this familiar alignment: Our solar system. Take the atomic model, and put the sun as its nucleus, then the planets taking the space of the electrons. Pretty interesting?

That's a pretty large scaled 'atomic structure'. Now going inwards from that, smaller and smaller still, this fundamental structure makes up everything. To the planet earth with its own moon as its orbit. To the creatures and plants that make up its ecosystem, down to the cells and antibodies that make up those individual creatures, it all follows that structure down to the smallest particle that started it all: the atom.

I'm taking this information, from what I've gathered, and putting it to a spiritual level now. As I do firmly believe that one day everything we do think of as spiritual will either be proven as scientifically factual or proven a fallacy. Either way I'm excited to see what the future in research toward our consciousness or "soul" comes to. For now though, I'll continue with my own theory and what I am trying to conceptualize here.

Lets start out back with our universe. I went on for a bit about everything getting smaller and smaller from there in the same structural pattern, but now we are going to go bigger instead. Imagine our universe as an atom, the smallest piece of something even larger. We're talking the opposite end of quantum mechanics now. So.. instead of describing nature at the smallest scales of energy we are going to go bigger. Or are we? In the grand scheme of reality do we really know our universe is not a smaller piece to a much larger reality that exists?

Lets go into what we call: The Multiverse Theory. Now, before we dive into this, lets pull our minds out of science fiction and step into science we have actually been working on validating here and now. The late Stephen Hawking and his research pointed to the existence of a multiverse having a set number. With that, there is not an infinite number of universes, but rather a very limited amount. So no, deciding to where pink or blue does not create another entire universe. The multiverse theory in reality, is made of so much more than that sort of flat level thinking.

There are so many other factors and theories that you need to make up even half of what the multiverse theory could be capable of or equally incapable. I like to start with the common misconception of the Butterfly Effect. Largely misunderstood the butterfly effect is only a small piece of Chaos Theory, which better explains how that would actually work. It essentially describes that a minute change can have a major effect on a larger state, a ripple effect in short. That just doesn't scientifically add up in the end however. A butterflies deciding to flap its wings over a cornfield.. is not going to cause a hurricane. That's important to take note of when describing the multiverse, and knowing that we do not live in an infinite, but rather a finite multiverse.

Moving forward! Going on a larger scale from the atomic model, take our universe and imagine other universes intermingling with ours as the building blocks of the entire multiverse. Also keep in mind that each universe is not simply different versions of Earth, or parallel universes where you were a doctor instead of a grocery clerk. No. These different universes are made up of more extreme differences. Life is unpredictable. Chaos Theory is unpredictable. If your consciousness interchangeably moves between universes when you die, you would be a very different person.

file-20180515-195315-bxjjrf.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip

That is where I take my theory into play that I am calling: The Higher Self Atomic Model. The universe and every multiverse that it makes up is building the larger whole, a collective consciousness. Now, that does not necessarily mean we are all one consciousness, but that we are small pieces of a much much larger whole. For simplicity I'll refer to it as something similar to what some may call the Astral Plane or Spirit World. This collective consciousness however is the big picture surrounding everything that is made up of the smaller universes(atoms).

On a smaller scale take each "soul" or consciousness that makes up this collective, the organisms that make up the body, the world, the expanse of this Megaverse. We are, our supposed higher selves, are the cells of this greater organism, the antibodies, the red and white blood cells. These higher selves have their own atomic structure that breaks off into its "electrons". These "electrons" are what branch off into individual universes and connect us to them. Think of it as incarnation. Your higher self resides in the great collective of the Megaverse, and your "lives" are connected to this. Your consciousness is a building block of the greater whole. So in theory the soul is very well quite similar to an atom.

I believe it makes sense to think of it this way, given we know atoms to be the building blocks of everything else. This of course will be inconclusive for now, and remain a theory I will continue to work on.

I spent the afternoon weeding my backyard today~ No shoes, feet free to the earth beneath me, crouched down amongst the foliage, moving from place to place on all fours; I felt alive.

I wish to feel that way more often; like myself; even if it is only such a small taste. Perhaps I’ll find more time to spend shifted outdoors somewhere.. out of sight, in my own comfort.

I’m taking some well needed time off of work this week, and with this free time have taken the liberty to do some meditation as I heal. I don’t recall the last time I was able to actually sit down and take the time to do this, so I am very happy to have been able to again.

I suppose I am a bit rusty at it, so I did start off with a simple guided meditation I found on youtube. I normally don’t like to use these as the voiceover tends to be distracting, but I think it was helpful to get me in the right state of mind this time. I’ll have to refind which one I used, as it was actually quite nice. It started off smooth and the voice was hardly irritating, before rolling off into the light sounds of rain.

In my meditation I started out lying flat on my back as I felt myself slip away into my inner world. Darkness. Light. A sinking feeling before slowly floating upwards and away. As the voice coerced me to sensing the different parts of my body, the human limbs fell away and I felt my true draconic form come to life. From the tips of my toes, to the edges of my wings, I felt whole and blinked my slit pupils out into the scape I now was looking at.

It was rather dark, everything tinted in what I could see was a blue hue. From what I could tell it was early morning, the smell of fresh dew in the air and sprinkled throughout the scenery. I was outside my cave, lying in front of the entrance looking over the lands. It felt peaceful, welcoming, and utterly right. I noticed then the feeling of small warm bodies laid against me, and I looked down to see 2 small creatures. I don’t remember what they looked like, but I have a strong feeling that they were my hatchlings. They were dark, curled up in little balls against me sleeping.

Now at the moment I do not know what this means for me. If those creatures were truly mine, and if so had I been who laid them or had my mate? Its difficult to make out when I do not have many memories, especially of this particular moment. Another thing that boggles me is if this had happened on the astral in my home, or was somewhere else in a more physical existence. I know that I was me, the dragon form I always see myself as. I suppose only time will tell if I discover more answers to this. Perhaps with further meditations I will learn more.

I was beginning to think winter would never end up here in the true north, yet the winds of summer have finally washed over the lands. As a reptilian being in nature, I accept the change with open wings, more than happy to bask in the heatwave to come. I've always had trouble with the cold, I'm actually very sensitive to it, so its definitely more my speed in temperatures upwards 90F rather than negative 30. I'm usually the weirdo wearing a sweater whilst everyone else has already traded in to their summer garbs.

In this glorious weather, I miss being able to simply bask outside on the large rocks of my old home. I've not found a good place to do so here as of yet. Canada is very flat.. at least where I am about anyway. My home is surrounded by corn fields, so you can imagine there's not many mountainous area or rock formations. I'd love to go out and grab one to stick in my backyard.. though I don't really have the means of doing so. For now, the pavement will do I suppose, it always has before.

I don't have more to write for now, as not much else has changed. I'm hoping that in the summer I am able to connect more with draconity again however, as in the winter my mind almost goes into hibernation mode. As I said, I'm very sensitive to the cold, but I'm hoping that the winds of summer will uplift me once more.

Yesterday I had the pleasure of taking a train to Toronto for the first time. I've been on trains before, but not quite like this. The subway to NY, a small train in VA, but this was a 5 hour ride starting bright and early in the am. It was actually quite smooth and made travel much more simple for the trip. Certainly better than driving down and more efficient.

The trip was actually to go pick up a car. This is why the train was absolutely a better option than taking our current vehicle down. Would have been silly and high in gas to drive one down and bring two back up. Also it really helps to have a co-pilot on a long ride, for both navigation and company. :)

We picked up a manual 6-speed 2012 camaro. Its been about 2 years since I had my old 01 camaro back when I lived in Jersey, so it was really refreshing to be back in one again. It had been 2 years since I drove a manual car too, so that was an adventure. It was so worth it.. I don't know what it is about manual sports cars, but if you ever wanna feel like flying, try it out.

Driving is my outlet, its my freedom. I can feel so much like myself in my car. My whole phantom body tends to envelope it when I drive and I can feel my wings at its sides stretching and enjoying the speed. A 6 hour drive home like this was heaven. I felt alive. Maybe its not the same ffor every dragonkin, but for me, this really lifts me up when having to be human here and now.

Canadian winter here has only just begun, and its started with a crisp chill for sure! As a reptilian being in nature, and one who has never been fond of the cold, I am having a difficult time keeping warm in this. No matter how many layers of clothing I pile on, how much food, or hot drinks I down, I just can't seem to escape it. My office at work is an ice box, and that is where the biggest struggle is during this time of year(and well, in the summer with the ac isnt much better tbh). I joke sometimes about installing a heat lamp; of course, that would be ridiculous. Ridiculous but warm!

With the cold, we've already gotten a ton of snow here too. Now, unfortunately for me this doesn't agree with any of my kintypes. I'd love to fly south for the winter, or maybe even hibernate, but certainly not be out and about in this weather. Of course, it certainly is pretty! The snow absolutely looks stunning as it covers the earth and trees in a white blanket, especially the way it glistens in the sun. That part is kinda nice, and has that nostalgia about it, growing up where the seasons change.

I've always had a joy in winter sports too. I grew up skiing, ice skating, and just enjoying the winter trails on horseback. Its been a while since I've had the free time to partake in these things, having been in school the last winter. I'm hoping this time to at least take up some skating on the canal here. Its a popular thing in the capital here. The whole thing freezes over and everyone skates on it. I'm definitely looking forward to that.

So, even though it may be freezing, its not all bad. I'll continue trying to find ways to keep warm at work without looking like a complete clothing burrito. Heck, maybe I'll grab some of those hand warmers and just keep those around. Either way, here's hoping to keep warm this winter!

Current Mood: cold

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Azaphaer

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Recent Entries

An interesting dream

Hoard in Home

Profile Sketch

Lucid Dreaming

Settled into our new Home

Dreaming of the "Star Unicorn"

The Orion Nebula

A small treasure

Ghost of the White Mountains

A Winter Stroll

True Form

In Winter I Wane

A strange dream

Through Time and Space

The Higher Self Atomic Model

Enjoying the Weather

Easing back into Meditation

Catching the Winds of Summer

A Long Road Home

As the weather outside gets frightful